A to Z of real estate in mumbai

mumbai ranks just after new york and shanghai as far as real estate or rather the lack of it goes. and since we've just plunged into house buying mode, and are still gasping for breath, here's a short guide to buying a house in mumbai.

A for Arrrrk. The first sound that'll escape your throat. half stangulated, half gasped out as you hear the price. please make sure you are not eating anything or standing near sharp objects.

B for Broker. That oily, perpetually smiling individual who's making the most of the property boom. His job is to convince you that a 400 sq feet apartment that was going for 2 million a month back is now worth 24 million. his job is to convince you that a fat loan that'll have you slaving for the next 20 years is a great idea. his job is to make you pay more than you ever dreamt of.

C for Carpet Area.That's how you have an idea of the the actual area of the house you're buying. Another matter that by the time you are done, there's no money for a carpet.

D for Deal: The one word that everyone in bombay understands. A slight nod, a gentle shake of the head, a twitching of the lips, some handshakes, and if you're lucky a cheap sweet or two. All the signs of a good deal.

E for Enos: One sachet a day keeps indigestion away. Loans, deals, black, white, EMI, just mix, wait for it to fizz and swallow.

F for Flat. Also called apartment or matchbox.

G for God. The second word that escapes your lips after Arrrck. (Please refer to A for Arrck).

H for Height. Here you pay extra for every floor you climb. You still get to see slums, and people doing potty, but from the 15th floor it probably looks pretty.

I for Incredible. Which is how the broker describes evrything. A tiny loo where you'll have to stand in the pot to shower. A poky bedroom where if you turn twice on the bed, you'll land in the kitchen. A 4 million house that's bang slap in the middle of a slum. A garden house that's actually a room in someone else's garden. Everything is incredible.

J for Joona. As in old. As in hope. Because in Mumbai, the only thing you'll ever be able to buy is not a shiny new flat, but a juna one. Decaying, crumbling, mouldy, but what the heck...this is real estate in Mumbai.

K for Kya Madame. A favourite phrase used by all brokers. As in " What Madame." Said in hurt tones. Usually uttered just after you have accused him of showing you flats way over your budget. Kya madame is followed by a small discourse on how he doesn't consider you a client but a friend/sister/mother/aunt, and is only thinking about your well being. Most "kya madame" performances are worthy of an oscar or two.

L for Lucky. Which is always someone else. So when you are house hunting, friends and relatives will all tell you about Lucky Sumit who bought his house before the boom. Lucky Madhu who got a steal. Lucky Kamal who's landlord pratically begged him to buy the house, that also at half the price. Grrr. I want to bite them all.

M for money. Black or white. Cheque or cash. Loan or ready. Have or not.

(N to Z to be cont)